Advice for Families

Addressing the Need

The signs that your parent may need assistance are often subtle. Some of the warning signs are:

Your parent’s refrigerator is empty or filled with expired food.
Your parent is losing weight (possibly because they are now finding shopping, driving or cooking difficult).
Your parent is often bruised (from falls or from bumping into furniture, walls, etc.).
Your parent wears the same articles of clothing for days at a time.
Your parent neglects personal hygiene.
Your parent’s home or yard is falling into disrepair.
Your parent forgets doctor’s appointments or medication.
Your parent seems isolated or depressed.
Your parent behaves inappropriately for the weather or social situation.

Your family may be considering assisted living options for a variety of reasons – your loved one’s deteriorating health, a developing sense of isolation or caregiver exhaustion. No matter what the reason, it is important to begin the conversation with respect and sensitivity. Respect, because your senior loved one deserves a voice in a decision that will literally impact every facet of his or her daily life. And sensitivity, because the decision to seek assisted care signals that in some way, your loved one can no longer take care of him/herself. Accepting help is never easy, especially for an adult who may have lived independently for decades.

These tips will make beginning the conversation about assisted living with your parent easier:

Raise the issue indirectly, perhaps by talking about a friend or other family members who sought out assisted living.
Share your thoughts and emotions while empathizing with your loved one’s possible reluctance to seek help.
Listen to your parent’s feelings and don’t make assumptions about what their preferences may be.
Avoid parenting your parent; instead, keep yourself and your parent on equal footing and reinforce that any decisions will be made together.

While the symptoms of dementia may vary according to their medical cause, there are several common outward signs:

Memory loss
Difficulties in speaking or communicating
An inability to learn or remember new information
Problems with planning or organizing
Deteriorating coordination and motor skills
Mood swings and personality changes
An inability to reason
Engaging in inappropriate behavior
Paranoia or agitation
Experiencing hallucinations

Trying to communicate with a parent who suffers from dementia can be challenging and frustrating for all involved. But by improving your communication skills, you can foster meaningful dialogue and nurture a more meaningful relationship with your loved one.

Keep your attitude and body language positive.
Limit distractions (TV, radio, etc.) and speak in quiet environment.
Use simple words and sentences to convey your message.
Ask simple questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no.”
Be patient when waiting for replies and watch for nonverbal cues from your parent.
Listen for the feeling and meaning behind your parent’s responses.
Maintain your sense of humor (not at your loved one’s expense, of course). Seniors are often delighted to laugh along with you.
Reminisce about days past as a soothing and affirming activity.

Making the Decision

The period between making the decision to move your parent into a new home and the move itself can be a stressful one. With some thoughtful planning, you can make the transition smoother for your family and your loved one.

Research your options to ensure you find a home that meets your parent’s unique needs. The living options available to seniors seem to expand every year, from person-centric intentional communities like Sonoma House to more traditional assisted living facilities and nursing homes.
Consider not just your parent’s current needs, but his/her future needs as well. An ideal living situation will balance those needs while allowing your parent to maintain as much independence as possible.
Popular homes in your area may have waiting lists. Allow some time to move up the lists at your top choices.
Stay positive and give your parent encouragement and support, even though you yourself may be experiencing anxiety and sadness at the prospect of a move.

It is critical to find a home that meets your parent’s needs. The primary considerations are your parent’s health, happiness and safety. To those ends, you should select a new community or facility based on:

Residential staff and nursing expertise
Medical capabilities and emergency protocols
Ambiance and openness of the community
Depth of activities available
Services and amenities (laundry, housekeeping, etc.)
Appeal of food, living quarters and grounds
Compliance with state and local licensing requirements

For a helpful checklist of features you may wish to consider, view our Living Scenario Comparison.

Planning the Move

When you move your loved one into a new home, it is important to ensure he/she remains comfortable and informed throughout the entire process.

Ensure any legal paperwork is completed correctly and signed by the appropriate parties before the move.
Assist your loved one with making a list of the belongings and valuables he/she would like to take to the new home. Avoid pressure to keep, throw away or donate any particular items.
Arrange for a packing and moving day after you have decided upon a list. Depending on how your parent is reacting to the move, it may be a good idea if he/she is not present during the actual move-out.
Encourage your parent to say goodbye to the old home with a final walkthrough or even a small family toast.
Help your senior parent unpack and arrange items in his/her new home. Setting up a bedroom or bathroom as it was in the previous home can help create a familiar environment.
Work with the staff of the new home to arrange meetings with your parent’s new neighbors and caregivers.

Giving Ongoing Support

Once you help your parent move into a new home, it’s important to continue offering emotional support while giving him/her the freedom to socialize and acclimatize independently.

Don’t feel guilty. Remain positive and remember that this new home will benefit your parent’s emotional and physical well-being.
Stay in contact with your parent and the staff to encourage socializing and your parent’s involvement in the new community.
Don’t hand-hold. Family members who visit too often can inhibit a senior’s ability to meet new friends and make adjustments to his/her new environment.
Bring personal items to help make your parent’s new accommodations feel more like home.

Addressing the Need

Making the Decision

Planning the Move

Giving Ongoing Support

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Advice For Families

Addressing the Need

+ What are some of the signs my parent may need assistance with living?

+ How do I initiate a conversation with my senior parent about assisted living options?

+ How should I communicate with my parent if he/she is suffering from dementia?

Making the Decision

+ What should I do to plan for my parent’s move to a new home or care facility?

+ What factors should we consider when choosing a new home?

Planning the Move

+ How can I most comfortably move my parent out of his/her home?

Giving Ongoing Support

+ Once my parent is in his/her new home, how can I best offer my love and support?

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